Day 4- empty.

So, I’m past the first 3 days.  Monumental?  I believe so.  I’m feeling magnificent about this, really.

I’ve been having a variety of withdrawl symptoms.  At night I’m having a hard time getting to sleep before 3am.  What did the easy cure for this used to be?  Alcohol.  Now, I find myself laying in bed playing games online, or something of that variety- and quite honestly I’m okay with staying up and sleeping later (or just getting far less sleep as a whole) as an alternative to the alcohol choice.

The first three days were very hard, it’s true- but I have a long journey still ahead of me.

My healthy start to Day 3.  Feeling very empowered and stoked today that my lunch/dinner isn’t drunken greasy food. Today is beautiful.

My healthy start to Day 3.  Feeling very empowered and stoked today that my lunch/dinner isn’t drunken greasy food.

Today is beautiful.

"If you think you can do it, or you think you can’t do it, You are right."
— Henry Ford
Day 2- withdrawls?

I typically have a very admirable, trustworthy, and reliable immune system.  I rarely get sick, and when I do I can usually contain it quickly and keep going. 

With that being said, I was incredibly shocked/scared/worried last night when during the middle of the night my chest got very very tight, and it felt like my throt was trying to claw its way out of my neck.  The whole upper half of my body felt very heavy and tight all of a sudden, and I don’t know why.  Is this a symptom of alcohol withdrawls?

I freaked out a little and ate some coughdrops, and I’m feeling totally better this morning.  Feeling just a slight burn.  Scared.

"The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking places."
Day 2- it hurts.

My mother always told me that if I wanted to kick any sort of habit that the hardest 3’s were the biggest hill I had to climb.  3 days were the hardest.  3 weeks were a little harder.  3 months is when it get’s steady.

Today I am halfway up the first 3 day trek up the hill, and it is not easy.  I didn’t think it would be easy- it’s just much harder than I thought it would be. 

I woke up later than I had hoped to this morning (actually 4 hours later than I had intended to)- so upon waking up I was thinking that the day was ruined.  The alcohol brain started to tell the human brain that there was nothing left of the day except to drink.  Go ahead, do it- it’s just a block or two away, and you’ll feel better.  I stood up, got dressed to go to the store, and really had an internal battle with whether or not I should just give it.  JUST FOR TODAY.

Internal conflict is the worst of all.  I am a pretty easy going person.  I can easily handle conflict with other people- as I rarely ever have it (and if I do it’s so entirely random that I can just overlook it and keep going).  However, the battle with myself is one of the greatest that I’ve ever had to take on.

Is it really a battle with myself, or some other thing that has contaminated, grown, and taken over myself?  I’m starting to think the latter- and that is what motivated me throughout the day.  I am stronger than the thing inside of me, and slowly I have to kill it.  Nobody else can.  Just me.

Day 1- Urges

Its 7:00pm, and again I find myself having an urge to drink alcohol.  I look all around me and see that I’m here, laying in my bed, all alone.  What else is there to do?  It’s all I’ve known to do while alone.  While I haven’t completely put down books in the past few years, I have none here to read- and television is not at all appealing.  While I look at the screen and type these words the urge to go buy a beer is drowned out by the work that it takes to produce these, but the second I click and/or look away, the pain comes back.  The animal, booze brain that has taken control of my life is trying to convince me to have a drink and let it all go- but I am fighting back and taking control of myself this time.

Long walk, here I come.This time I will not let it win.

Day 1- (Cheers)To a new begining!

Where do I start?  How, better yet?  I’m lucky to even know where I am.  Does that work?

I’m not the average person.  Well, maybe I am.  For the sake of identity preservation while I embark on my journey, I am for all intents an purposes of this blog just a person.  Not a guy, not a girl- male nor female (or any sort of hybrid of the two in between).  I’m just a person, with a problem that I have not yet been able to stop, and am seeking to harness the power of the creative medium that is the internet to find my way through the tunnel to the light at the end.  What’s the problem, you ask?  Alcohol.  Well, perhaps I should say that is the root of many other problems- and I quite simply have not figured out how to solve it.  Let’s now rewind.

Three years ago the person that I was then would frown upon and keep walking past the person that I have since become.  Since discovering alcohol, I’ve gained a lot of weight, I’ve fallen hopelessly and aimlessly in and out of drunken love (which is a persistent, and never ending gift), and I’ve lost most of what I’ve had- and moved all over the place thinking that I would find myself anew in a totally different physical, emotional, and mental environment.    I’ve hurt a lot of people that I was close to, and been badly hurt myself (both emotionally and physically).  I’ve had multiple encounters with the law, and have nothing else to blame but myself for all of these things.

AA- you say?  Not for me.  I am not a 12-step program type of person.  While I am thankful that programs like AA do exist and are effective for some people, it’s really just not my thing.  I’ve tried quitting cold turkey, and have even tried the substitution method for drinking beer (craving beer=drinking water).  Nothing has worked.  As much as I’ve tried to convince myself that I’m not an alcoholic for so long, I can no longer live my life in denial.  I want the old ‘me’ back, and this is the beginning of my journey.

I’ll be posting a lot about my feelings, battles with the urges, and fixing all of the things that I lost in the bottle.  If you like the content and wish to contribute, or even just want to drop a nice line of encouragement, please feel free to do so- I’d really appreciate it!

Here we go.

“Nature magically suits a man to his fortunes, by making them the fruit of his character.” —Ralph Waldo Emerson

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